Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
