I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
