The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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