I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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