I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
