Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
