You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
