When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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