Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
