I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
