Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
