I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
