Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
