Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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