I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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