you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
