Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
