what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
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