Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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