If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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