I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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