Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
