Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
