i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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