there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
