I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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