i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
two words...techno handjob
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
