I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
