I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
