hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
