It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
