I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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