The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
