She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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