If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
