Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
