just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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