thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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