i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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