but the lizard people decide everything anyway
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
