those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
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