Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
