Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
