Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
