you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
