what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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