He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
