youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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