I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Come on in and take your pants off
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