know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
