i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Sext me about skeletons
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
