hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
