Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize