Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
