Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
