my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
