I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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