Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
