Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
