Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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