I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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