I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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