the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
